Forgiven

The single most import thing I did in this entire process was to forgive my father. I don’t believe I could have began to heal prior to extending this grace to my father. I came to the place of forgiveness before I was ever diagnosed with C-PTSD. God had placed it upon my heart to forgive the man. It was a long process to get there. I had already grieved the loss of my childhood. Once I had arrived at the place of forgiveness, there was a freedom I had not expected.

I have spoken to my mother about forgiveness many times. She refuses to forgive. Often one of the biggest hurdles to extending forgiveness is misunderstanding forgiveness.

What forgiveness does not:

• Forgiveness does not condone the wrongs done to you or others.
• Forgiveness does not excuse the wrong.
• Forgiveness does not necessarily mean or require reconciliation.
• Forgiveness does not restore trust.
• Forgiveness does not relieve the other person of responsibility.
• Forgiveness does not give the other person permission to continue the wrong.
• Forgiveness does not mean tolerating the other person’s actions.
• Forgiveness is not forgetting.
• Forgiveness is not deserved.
• Forgiveness is not a feeling.

What forgiveness does:

• Forgiveness sets you free.
• Forgiveness is a conscious act.
• Forgiveness allows you to let go of negative emotions such as bitterness.
• Forgiveness paves the way for healing.
• Forgiveness breaks the power the other person has on you.
• For those with C-PTSD, Forgiveness can be a daily task.
• Forgiveness is a process.

I don’t believe there is only one path to forgiveness. I believe people can get there via a multitude of paths. For me, it took several years before I arrived at true forgiveness for the man. It started by me simply saying (to myself) that I forgave him. There is no need to ever say it to the other person. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. Over a course of a couple years, I prayed about it and continued to purposefully extend forgiveness, whether or not I actually felt it. Remember, forgiveness is a process and conscious effort. Over time, I realized my mind and heart had reached the point of forgiveness.

Once I arrived at the place of forgiveness, I found a freedom I had not found previously. My father no longer had power over me. Yes, the triggers are still there. Those triggers will remain for awhile. I am working on those. But his power is gone.

I have found forgiveness may not necessarily be a one time thing. In my EMDR therapy there are times that I must forgive him again. Having forgiven him before, makes it much easier as I process things to forgive the man.

I left home at 17. I never went back. I never spoke to my father again. He was never again a part of my life. In the end, he ended up alone. Through family members, I learned my father was dying. He had fallen inside his home and was found three days later. Through some encouragement from my spouse and a nudge from God – I went to see him in the hospital. For me, this was a process of extending grace. I did not need to ever see him again. True, I had forgiven him but he was not welcome back into my life. There were no signs he had changed. He was in the ICU when I arrived. I told the nurses who I was and that I had not seen him in over 20+ years. I wanted to be sure my visit wouldn’t be too upsetting to him. They went in to tell him I was there. He wanted to comb his hair before I came in. It was what he always did after he finished beating me. But that action no longer had power.

Forgiveness most likely will not lead to the Hallmark Channel ending. Those endings are the stuff of fairly tales. Yes, I saw my father and told him I forgave him. I told him despite all that he did, I still loved him as he was my father. It was true. He said a lot to me while I was there but I have no idea what he said to me. His speech was lost to him and he was unintelligible. This was fine, as I did not need or want any of his words. I was not there for myself. I went solely for him. I went to extend grace to a dying man.

He died a week later. I did not attend the funeral.

One of the tangible aspects to learning to forgive was finding a much deeper compassion. I was able to find compassion for my father. I learned years after I had left home, that my father and his brothers had suffered greatly under their father’s hands. This does not in ANY way excuse my father’s actions. But it does inform some of his actions. My grandfather, whom I never met, had beaten one of my uncles so badly that he wasn’t expected to live out the night. I found compassion for my father and the abuse he must have endured. I grieve for him that he had to experience a similar pain that he inflicted upon me. I grieve he never had the chances I had – loving people that provided me with an escape, people at key parts of my life that showed me compassion and taught me how to break the cycle. I grieve he never understood how he was broken and didn’t know to seek help. None of this excuses him. It cannot. Yet, I grieve for him all the same.

Now I have to do the hardest part – I have to forgive myself.