I spent several years seeking help. I saw multiple therapist over the years. Each of these therapist simply didn’t have the tools to figure out what was wrong or how to effectively treat me. It wasn’t completely their fault. Part of the issue was with me. I have always struggled with being able to properly express to a therapist what was wrong. Most the time, I didn’t know what was wrong to even be able to express it. Many times I would sit down with a therapist and say “Something isn’t right.” I would be asked why I was there and what I wanted to do. I couldn’t come up with answers to those questions.

I knew I was regularly slipping in and out of depression – sometimes mild, other times more severe. However, my depression was never to the level of interfering completely with my day to day activities. I just wasn’t happy. At the time, my spouse blamed me for my depression. That wasn’t helpful. I simply couldn’t seem to find joy in life.

I struggled to maintain relationships. I didn’t fit in with others. I never did as a child and don’t now as an adult. I could count on one hand the number of those I considered to be a friend – with several fingers left over. A small part of this is just being an introvert. A large part is having C-PTSD and having the complete and utter lack of being able to trust.

I have talked to others with C-PTSD and have found out this isn’t an unusual experience. Those of us suffering with the issues of C-PTSD often have had very similar issues with finding help. My failures to properly express what is wrong are also not uncommon.

Once I found a trauma based counselor specializing in EMDR, things started to get a bit better. However, I was naïve. I thought once I found someone who understood the issues, I would be “fixed” in a year or so. That was 7 years ago. I am still working on this. I worked with my first EMDR counselor on a weekly basis for about two and a half years before things went completely stale. After that, the counselor was out of ideas and I was paying hundreds of dollars to merely chat. I did this for another year. I was getting more out of my own research than from my counselor. I discovered emotional flashbacks through this research. I would go into a session and be asked by the counselor what I wanted to do or what we should do next. If a counselor asks you that – it is time to move on. Yes, it is fine to tell the counselor if something isn’t working and to try something else. But if the counselor is completely out of ideas and asking you as the patient for advice on what to do – find another counselor.

I am a hard patient to deal with due to my defenses. I have spent years compartmentalizing my trauma. Additionally, I intellectualize my trauma to not feel the pain. I insist on understanding every aspect of my therapy. How it works and what it does. I am also emotionally numb. Most therapist are looking for some emotional catharses and tears. This will most likely never happen. My father taught me well to never show emotions.

I took a break for about two years from therapy. I gave up on my first counselor. She had no clue what to do. I felt she only kept me around to make money off me. I would have rather had her tell me she was at an impasse and refer me out. I lost trust with therapists because of this.

Eventually I made it back to counseling. The next trauma based counselor was not helpful. He told me in the second session all I needed to do was not to think about my issues. I dropped him immediately. He had also stacked so many patients, he was only scheduling the next appointments over a month out.

I stopped seeing an individual counselor for awhile. I wanted to seek a trauma based couples counselor. I had found out my new spouse wasn’t truthful to me about their past. I was devastated. I had purposefully stepped out and trusted my spouse only to be burned again.

“I reach out to touch the flame ‘Cause I refuse to think it burns. Retreat and lick my wounds. But of course I never learn.”

Part of seeing this counselor was to help my spouse truly understand what I was going through. Loving someone with C-PTSD is not easy. I know this. I also hoped my spouse would seek help understanding their past actions and what drove those. I fear their past will repeat in our marriage – I see no reason as to why it won’t. I am terrified.

Eventually, I found another trauma based therapist. I have been working with this therapist for about two years now. I still don’t see any progress. My issues all seem to remain. However, the therapist says there has been some small steps. Small steps are likely to be the only things I see for awhile. I still don’t notice them, so I have to trust they are there.

After almost 7 years of this, I am so very discouraged. The hard part of EMDR is the constant reliving of the trauma. I am struggling now more than I have ever struggled. I am finding myself withdrawing more and wanting to isolate completely. There have been days I have not been able to go to work. I have slipped back into depression for multiple days a couple of times recently. It has taken all that is in me to pull myself out. For me – no one else can do it, I have to reach down deep to pull myself up. I fear one day I will not be able to.

In EMDR, one of the techniques is to mentally create your safe place. When the treatment causes to much pain, you retreat to your mental safe and calm space. In my creation of this space, I made a big mistake. I placed my dog into my space to help protect me from my demons. For 13 years, he was my constant companion. He protected me physically and emotionally. He would wake me out my nightmares, protect me on the street if someone got aggressive with me, and understand when I wasn’t able to keep things together. Emotionally, I poured into him all that was left of me. In him, it was safe. We fought cancer together for 4 years. One Sunday morning, cancer took him from me. Immediately, my nightmares returned. I would wake thrashing and screaming. I would dream of my demons breaking the door into my safe place. Without my dog, nothing was there to protect me anymore. I don’t have a safe place any longer. I can no longer do this exercise. I haven’t told my therapist this.

We continue to do EMDR. It doesn’t seem to do much for me. I really don’t know what is next. I don’t feel the progress. I am told it will be slow. I just feel like I am not getting better. I will continue this as I don’t know what else to do. I pray there will be a break through. This has been a long journey. I can see where I have come from but have trouble seeing the end. I know the journey to be as important as the destination. So for now, I will hold onto hope.