Finally. After years of knowing something was wrong and trying to seek help, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). It was an incredible relief and a first step towards healing. You would think most people getting a diagnosis would not feel relief. A diagnosis of a condition typically brings stress and worry. Now, I could get the help I needed and begin the healing process.

For me, my journey to the diagnosis began by serendipity. I randomly met and started to date a Psychologist. We quickly found out we both had issues. We dated for about a year and the relationship ended amicably. On the way out of the relationship, it was suggested I seek a trauma based counselor. That was the key that unlocked the door.

There are a lot of resources out there that talk about C-PTSD. Not everyone has the same symptoms and most don’t have all the symptoms. For me, I earned my C-PTSD through 17 years of abuse at my father’s hands and a lifetime of betrayal. These are the symptoms of C-PTSD that I struggle with.

Emotions:

Emotional regulation is a hallmark of C-PTSD. For me, this is one of the issues I suffer with. I tend to show very little in the way of emotion. I often have difficulty expressing emotions. The only emotion I seem to be able to show is that of grief. Grief I experience often. Joy – rarely if ever. Maybe it was best that I couldn’t have children, my lack of emotion would have just been too confusing to a child. I know my father’s abuse is a big part of me not showing emotions. He would beat me for showing emotions he that didn’t match what he thought I should be displaying. For me, showing no emotion was safer.

“You don’t smile enough. You should smile more.” I wish people understood how incredibly hurtful to me those statements are. I have been told this many times. Like whether or not I smile is a conscious choice. Maybe one day I will be able to find a smile. Just not today.

Self-Perception:

I struggle with self-perception. I am almost to the point of imposter syndrome. How I perceive myself is generally not how others perceive me. I constantly feel as if I am a complete and utter failure. Yet, when I read the evaluations written by my boss, I don’t recognize that person and cannot believe it is me. I feel like I cannot fit in anywhere. I completely and utterly view myself as different from anyone or anything around me – as if I am alien.

Dissociation:

This is one issue most suffers have that I don’t experience to a great degree. Yet, my entire childhood is largely a blank. I am not sure if this is a symptom of my C-PTSD or just the natural aging off of memory.

Difficulties with Relationships:

This one made me laugh out loud. For me, this might be a gross understatement. Almost all my relationships have been complete and unmitigated disasters. As I have worked through my C-PTSD diagnosis, I realize how completely isolated I have felt from my peers. Most of the time, I am at a complete loss on knowing how to engage. I struggle with trust. I am at the point, or may have always been, of an outright refusal to trust anyone. Many of times I have trusted, it has been inappropriate to do so, which only served to re-enforce the lack of trust. I also tend to seek out friends and partners who are hurtful or abusive because it’s the only thing that feels familiar. I have even abruptly abandoned a relationship that was going well. The one relationship that could have been something amazing, I fled from. I realize now how completely terrified I was at the time of the possibilities. I just didn’t want to hurt the person when I failed to live up to my own expectations. I was sure that any relationship I had would end in disaster – then they would be gone forever. In the end, the result was the same.

Lack of Focus:

Often people suffering with C-PTSD will have an inability to focus. For me, this partly due to hyper-vigilance. At work, I notice everything that is going on around me. It is very difficult to focus on my task at work. I tend to stay late at work. Those 2 to 3 hours after everyone has left are my productive hours. The COVID pandemic brought me the opportunity to work at home – a safe environment. I found I was 10 times more productive working from home than in an office full of people. My other lack of focus tends to coincide with the days that more of a struggle for me. Those days are the days that I am triggered. I am still trying to explore the other reasons behind my lack of focus. The annoying thing with the lack of focus is how it can send me into a death spiral. I begin to feel guilty that I cannot focus and am unproductive, which causes me to become even more unfocused, which brings more guilt that cause me to become more unfocused. Eventually, I just become utterly useless and I cannot accomplish anything. It is almost impossible to pull myself out once this starts. It can be days or weeks before I can fully collect myself again.

Physical Symptopms:

I started to have severe chest pains back in high school. Throughout my life I would experience these. I cannot count how many times I have ended up in the hospital connected to an EKG to see if I was having a heart attack. I now know my C-PTSD is at the root of all this. When I am having especially challenging days or weeks, my intestinal tract becomes a complete mess. It will become difficult to eat without feeling sick. I am lucky these are the only physical symptoms I have. There are others that have much worse issues to deal with.

Suicidal Ideation:

Suicidal ideation means wanting to take your own life or thinking about suicide. For me, I struggle with passive suicidal ideation. Passive suicidal ideation occurs when you wish you were dead or that you could die, but you don’t actually have any plans to commit suicide. For those who grew up in constant abuse, it was the one sure way out. An option that was always there if needed. Thankfully, never taken. However, it remains a fear of mine. So often I feel I am just standing on the brink – fearful of that strong wind that will blow me off the edge from where I can never come back.