I tend to see things differently. It is as if my life experiences are always being viewed through a lens. This lens was ground in my childhood. It is the lens I use everyday to look at the world. I don’t want to use this lens, but it is the only lens I have. This lens causes some of my more difficult struggles. It is what makes the little things into big things. The big things into to colossal monsters. This lens is often found in the hands of my inner critic.

This lens is one of the things that drove me to seek counseling. I just couldn’t believe this was normal. Since I don’t tend to show emotions, those around me had no idea of how those minor things affected me. A minor set back might send me into a tail spin, which would result in me calling in sick for a few days or withdrawing further from others. My inner critic makes these situations even worse. I continue to tell myself that I am a complete failure and this is just one of the many examples. I am not a failure. I am highly successful and have a job that over 60,000 people apply for every year. It is easier to get into Harvard than to work where I do. But my lens shows me otherwise.

I have difficulty accepting most anything from others. A compliment; I become uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond. I look though my lens and don’t see it. Are they trying to get something from me? Are they trying to manipulate me? What is their angle? If someone approaches me with friendly intent, I immediately become wary. I simply cannot trust their intentions. My lens prevents me from being able to trust another.

I will sabotage a good relationship before it can even get started. I am so convinced it cannot be real. I know the person will eventually betray me because “they always do.” It is easier for me to end it before it can begin – before the hurt of the loss will cost me too much. If I bond too tightly it might cost me everything.

You see, my lens only shows me black and white. There is no room for grey in my world. I live a life of extremes. I see justice or injustice, not the ground in-between. This view holds me back in so many ways. I hold unrealistic expectations for myself. I constantly pursue the impossibility of perfection. The pursuit will often result in me freezing – being unable to complete the task. If I cannot achieve this perfection, I am then a failure, so why even try? This view doesn’t provide room for the human condition. It further feeds my inner critic thus damaging my view of myself. It destroys relationships and prevents others.

So what can be done about this? This sounds like a horrible way to live a life. It is. It is one of the many reasons I have sought help – why I am on this journey. The first step to correcting my lens is the simple act of recognizing the lens is there in the first place. Once the lens has been identified, I can start examining the lens – after I pry it out the hands of my inner critic. The knowledge of it allows me, on some days, to look past the lens. I cannot look past everyday. I have looked through it for so many years, it is a habit. Habits can be broken – it just takes time. A lot of time. Everyday I look past the lens is a victory. I won’t have victories everyday. When I do – I celebrate them.

I also found out I have a superpower. I don’t know if the C-PTSD or being an INFJ created this superpower. I have an incredible amount of compassion and empathy. So much so, if I am not careful, my empathy will completely and utterly crush my soul. I have learned to first look through this empathy and compassion. Even if my lens is in between, the empathy allows me to see from another’s eyes. I can find that middle ground. The trick now is to turn that same empathy and compassion onto myself. I believe though the act of finding compassion for myself, I can re-grind my lens.

Finding compassion for myself is not easy. I need to be able to extend grace to myself. Give myself room to fail, to be imperfect. In some ways, I need to see myself as I see a child. The way I extend empathy to a child who dropped their favorite treat – I need to extend the resulting compassion to myself, even for the simple things. I have to find a way to silence the inner critic – to gag her. I have been told the practice of mindfulness can help silence the critic. So far, it has not – but I am still working on that. I will eventually get there. I am not alone in this.

I am hopeful one day I will wake up and find I have a new lens to see life through. This will be a giant step towards healing.