I knew last night was going to be a bad night for me. I don’t always know when a night will be rough. But this night, I knew. As the evening darkened, my demons began to come for me. All my perceived failures began to replay in my mind. I started to feel responsible for my abuse. I began to mourn the loss of my childhood. I feared sleep. I know this is a setup for my nightmares to return.

Even my dog knew it was going to be rough. He wouldn’t leave my side. Eventually, all 70 lbs. of him climbed into my lap uninvited. He knew something wasn’t right. Maybe he noticed my breathing had changed or maybe is was my quickened heart rate.

I can’t always figure out what triggers these nights. Sometimes they just come uninvited with no warning. Other times it is obvious to me why they have arrived.

On these nights, I won’t go to the bed. I don’t want to keep my spouse awake with my thrashing. I don’t want to scare them when I wake up screaming. I fear accidentally hurting them when I sleep. These nights, I will sleep on the couch. Thankfully, my spouse is not offended by this. That has not always been true of others.

When morning finally came, my spouse came down and recognized I had not set an alarm to go to work. They tried to wake me several times but I hadn’t really slept much the night before. I was groggy and it took me a bit to come around. I could recognize their attempts to wake me but it wasn’t working. When I finally started to wake, I saw the expression on my spouses face – it was crushing. My spouse was desperately trying to figure out how to wake me with out sending me into a panic.

This is absolutely crushing to me. I don’t want my spouse to fear me or fear putting me into a panic while trying to wake me. I want nothing more than for this to go away…