Growing up, music was my salvation. Even today, I often escape into music. I have found the music I tend to escape into says a lot about my unconscious mental state. It is a window into my soul. This line from a song has resonated with me from an early age.

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been…”

Over the last few years I have learned to examine closely those things that resonate with me. I have found there is a reason these songs resonate. I took me years to realize this. For some, this may be obvious. However for someone with C-PTSD, who is talented at compartmentalizing and minimizing – sweeping feelings and realities under the rug, it was not obvious to me as to the whys.

I never had a home. I never had a refuge – there was never a place I belonged. I often fantasized about just leaving everything behind and traveling far, far away in an effort to find the place where I could belong. Maybe that is why I have roamed all over the world as an adult.

True, there was significant physical abuse at the hands of my father. But that was not the complete picture. That was not what hurt the most. That was not what alienated me at home. That was not what prevented me from having a family. Yes, there were several of us under one roof. We all had shared genetics – but that alone does not make a family. Where the true harm to me originated was in the complete and utter emotional neglect.

As a child growing up, I was never allowed to express my feelings. If I tried to voice them in the presence of my father, it would either result in his ridicule of me or bring me physical harm. I quickly learned to never express my emotions. Other times when my feelings would leak out, they were simply ignored or dismissed. Emotions in my family were never discussed, validated or even acknowledged.

Childhood Emotional Neglect

Childhood emotional neglect is the absence of a response. Unlike physical or emotional neglect, it is not something that is done to the child, it is something that is omitted. In my case, I believe the behavior of my father resulted in the entire family concealing emotions – keeping them out of sight. The only emotion allowed to be on display was fear.

As a child, and even a young adult, I never knew what was missing. That is the insidious thing about this type of neglect – it is invisible. I never learned to recognize the nuances of my feelings. I could recognize the extremes of fear and shame. Those feelings were hammered into me as child. The others, I was never taught to recognize. I never could understand what they were and they certainly were never allowed to be discussed.

It is nerve racking thing to feel something but not to posses the ability to identify it or know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to best explain it. It is like that feeling you get from standing up too fast – that imbalance and fuzziness you get on the edge of your consciousness. You get into overload and you don’t know how to deal with it. So I did with it what I learned to do with everything – minimize, compartmentalize, and ignore.

The Effects

I was never taught the tools I needed to identify, express, or manage my feelings. This was a major piece of my development that was stolen from me. It resulted in me feeling as a stranger in my own family – as well as everywhere else.

And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger…

I always felt different from others. Because I felt different, I often removed myself from the presence of others. I constantly felt ashamed that I could not fit in anywhere.

When I was older, I struggled in dating because I never knew how to deal with another’s expression of feelings. It left me feeling awkward and discomforted in those situations.

I simply felt flawed. As I grew older, I grew emotionally numb. Others would describe me as stoic. I rarely smiled. I wanted to run away from all I knew. I wanted to go far way. There are times I still get that old feeling.

far away is just somewhere you’ve never been…

I have realized there is no far away. I have realized I cannot run, as I cannot run away from myself. To thrive, I must to be able to connect with my emotions. I must learn to identify my emotions.

One of the ways I have found to help me identify my emotions is paying attention to what music I am driven to. For me, this is often a window into my feelings at the time. I gravitate to music that I identify with. My music will speak to me. This has helped me identify my current mood and emotions.

I have also found the reverse can also be possible. Music can drive my emotions and my mood. So I have to be careful what I listen to. It can take me places I don’t want to go. Or, I can use it raise my mood and my emotions. Music can be a powerful thing.

As I regularly learn to identify my emotions and the emotions of others, I can gain those critical skills I need to manage my emotions. Once I have these skills, I can defeat the effects of emotional neglect.