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I ran down the hall in my bare feet to greet my father. Excited to see him home. He swept me up that morning, lifted me onto his shoulders. I was giddy from the change of perspective. I could see… Continue Reading →
That was the first thing I recalled. I was asleep in my bed. I was 7 at the time. My father had crept into my room on silent feet. He wanted the terror he was about to inflict to be… Continue Reading →
This is a video from Shane Koyczan’s TED Talk. I found many things in this video that I resonate with. Having been subject to bullying growing up – his poem speaks to me. For me, one of the biggest take-aways… Continue Reading →
We met the summer between my Junior and Senior year at college. My spouse attended another college in a different city. We were married before the end of my senior year. We both came from broken homes. My spouse didn’t… Continue Reading →
Most my childhood is a blank. But I can recall having friends up to about the second grade. After that, there wasn’t really anyone who I could call a friend. At least not a true friend. I wasn’t invited over… Continue Reading →
Throughout my childhood, my father’s cruelty continued. After awhile, the way he vented his rage on me changed. I think it may have been a call from the school about the marks found on me. The beatings didn’t completely stop… Continue Reading →
It seems counter-intuitive. You would think that someone who grew up in the midst of domestic violence would avoid getting in relationships with abusive or corrosive people. Yet, I seem to gravitate to these people. I always find the partner… Continue Reading →
I have always felt like an outsider looking in. I knew I was somehow different from most all of those around me. I heard the words introvert and extrovert but never really understood them. Then Susan Cain came along. I… Continue Reading →
Finally. After years of knowing something was wrong and trying to seek help, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). It was an incredible relief and a first step towards healing. You would think most people getting a diagnosis would… Continue Reading →
The single most import thing I did in this entire process was to forgive my father. I don’t believe I could have began to heal prior to extending this grace to my father. I came to the place of forgiveness… Continue Reading →
My first EMDR counselor never told me about emotional flashbacks. I found about these during my own research into C-PTSD. Just learning about their existence was freeing for me. What are emotional flashbacks? According to Pete Walker, “Emotional flashbacks are… Continue Reading →
The U.S. CDC defines Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) as potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood (0-17 years). The ACEs have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity. ACEs are linked to chronic… Continue Reading →
I spent several years seeking help. I saw multiple therapist over the years. Each of these therapist simply didn’t have the tools to figure out what was wrong or how to effectively treat me. It wasn’t completely their fault. Part… Continue Reading →
I tend to see things differently. It is as if my life experiences are always being viewed through a lens. This lens was ground in my childhood. It is the lens I use everyday to look at the world. I… Continue Reading →
I am on the way to hospital… again. I am experiencing severe chest pains. I probably should have called for the ambulance service. I chose to drive myself – this is an all too familiar trip for me. The nice… Continue Reading →
I knew last night was going to be a bad night for me. I don’t always know when a night will be rough. But this night, I knew. As the evening darkened, my demons began to come for me. All… Continue Reading →
I have a very deep faith in God, yet I have often struggled with why God allowed the abuse to happen to me. I have had people ask me if I go back in time, what would I change. My… Continue Reading →
I am so sorry to have to write this to you. It’s not fair, I know. But you are going to be abused badly while you grow up. There is nothing you can do to change this, because it is… Continue Reading →
Growing up, music was my salvation. Even today, I often escape into music. I have found the music I tend to escape into says a lot about my unconscious mental state. It is a window into my soul. This line… Continue Reading →
My spouse bought me the pictured coffee mug as a gift. As I read down the list, I teared up and had a bit of a revelation. Kuro was always more to me than just a dog. I don’t trust… Continue Reading →
I have been meaning to write this for well over a year. Knowing when to stop therapy is important. Along this journey, I have had many therapist. I have had therapist who weren’t trained in trauma – those therapist simply… Continue Reading →
When I started to write this, I wanted to call it “A Journey’s End.” However, I realized it is not the end of a journey, but more of a transition to a new journey. This is the closing of one… Continue Reading →